What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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