You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
