ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
