Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Is it penis luge time yet?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
