how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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