the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Dating After Heartbreak
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall