it wasn't lemon gatorade
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something