Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
