He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
