Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
