She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
