Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
