do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
