I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
well, you know. whores of a feather.
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