I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
