Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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