I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
