I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
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Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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