It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
