you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
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Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
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You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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