Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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