They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
