Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
