There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
