things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
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It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
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The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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