I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
