Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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