I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
