turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.