oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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