There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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