I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.