She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
