The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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