dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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