you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I intend to get homeless drunk
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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