And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
