I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
