I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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