My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
