Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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