Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
