I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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