Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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