and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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