I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
