I just pynch a tree in the face
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
