Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
