If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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