I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
