oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
