You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
the raccoons are back...
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