yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
