I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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