i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
