your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
