I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
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You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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