I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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