You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
