I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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