I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Pants are for mortals
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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