also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize