why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
