I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
