I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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