Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
