Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
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you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
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I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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