You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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